Happy is on Vacation

Today was a rough day.

My kiddo and I were having a great morning, playing, rough-housing, being silly… Then he played a prank that I responded strongly to, and it went downhill quickly from there.
Ultimately, the prank itself is not the story here. I did as I always do, I put my foot down and gave a punishment with the plan to have a conversation afterwards. My reaction to what he did was valid. Him running into his room and closing the door was a valid response too. I stood there for a moment and noticed this felt different.

I realized that this was unintentional. He thought what he did was truly going to be funny, and then it was not. He most likely was embarrassed and scared by my reaction when he thought he’d get a laugh. He was hurting. I was upset. But we were going to have to get through this together.. so I knocked on his door and asked if I could come in…

I heard a mumble, so I opened the door, pushing through the barricade of stuffies he had piled in the way. He was hiding under his bed and popped his head out just enough to show his surprise that I made it through the blocked doorway.

As I sat on the far edge of the bed, I could feel my own heartbeat quicken. I asked him again to please get dressed so he can come downstairs with me. He didn’t move.I could feel myself getting frustrated and I scolded a bit again (because I’m human and old habits are hard to break). But he just sighed and said, “I can’t”.

I peeked over the bed to see that he had moved out from underneath and was now sprawled out on the rug. He stumbled on his words and finally said that he needed to talk but wanted me to come closer. I moved to the closest corner of the bed and took a deep breath. I reminded myself that there was no real timeline today. Whatever he needed to say right now was more important. And it most certainly was.

He told me, in the most perfect 7yo way, exactly how he was feeling.
“My Happy, you know the happiness inside me, she’s left. She’s gone completely. Happy is on vacation.” He went on to say, “And Happy is usually in control of my brain, but now that she’s gone, all my other emotions don’t know what to do. It’s like they’re all there at the same time. Like I’m feeling them all like they’re a waterfall that doesn’t stop, so my brain doesn’t even know what to do about it. My body can’t even move.”

Wow.
I didn’t even know how to respond to that. So I asked, “Do you think Happy really left permanently?? Because usually vacations are just little trips. I am pretty sure Happy will come back soon… don’t you think?” *no response* So I went on, “Maybe you could call Happy and ask her if she would mind coming back sooner than later.” That got a little smile from him, then all seriousness again, he said, “but she’s on a plane, I can’t talk to her on the plane. What if she decides to never come back? These other emotions are making such a mess inside me that she doesn’t want to come back to their mess!”

Wow again.
I thought for a bit about how the goal here really isn’t to just always be happy, but to validate ALL the feelings too… so I tried another approach, “Ok, well even if Happy isn’t there right now, those other emotions are just as important. We know Happy is on vacation and can’t talk right now, but she’s probably coming back. How about we ask the other emotions what they need or how they’re doing to try to get them settled down a bit in the meantime.”
He thought about that a little and said that he wasn’t sure he could do each emotion one at a time. I said, “That’s valid.. There’s a lot in there, I’m sure. So maybe we can send group messages instead?”
Then suddenly I wasn’t talking to Asher anymore I was talking to ALL.
Meaning ALL of his emotions.
Asher laid on the floor and handed me a pretend note, then read it to me as if his emotions were talking. He told me about the mess they were making inside him, about how no one knew what they were doing, and everyone was afraid they had ruined it now that Happy had left.

So I asked him if I could give them a note too. I started handing him responses to what they said. Back and forth we went with our notes until I asked again if anyone had tried to contact Happy. She must be in a place where she could get a call now… and he paused.

He said, “They did call and reached her. She’s trying to come back but she’s stuck on the plane cuz the door is stuck shut.” All I said was “Well I’m glad to hear she came back from her vacation.”

A couple more “notes” were passed and then a pause. I asked him if he felt like he could move his body now, if his emotions were working together better now and he said yes. So he got up and started getting dressed.

I went into the bathroom and cried.

Parenting is exhausting. Parenting with the hope/goal of raising emotional mature kiddos is even more exhaustive. We were both pretty worn down after that so we spent the next hour or so cuddled on the couch.

I felt like I needed to write this. If I needed to hear, and have, this conversation today, then others likely do too. But I also am learning that I need to ask permission. It’s not just my story. I started by telling Asher that I was proud of him. I told him that I was so honored that he was willing to share his emotions with me and how well he explained himself. I told him that others might really like how he expressed himself and that it could really help some people, if he was ok with me sharing it. But if not that’s fine too. He just looked up at me, smiled and said “sure, that’s ok”. And snuggled back into my arms.

The thing about parenting they don’t tell you is how much you end up re-parenting yourself in the process. How much you have to check in about your own emotions while helping to teach a little one how to regulate theirs too. And man, that is the hardest part.

My takeaway is this. Sometimes Happy takes a vacation, but she will come back. In the meantime, check in with your other emotions so that they don’t take over and make such a mess that Happy doesn’t want to come back.

** The concept of emotions as separate people/entities came from a movie we watched a couple years ago called Inside Out. It’s considered a children’s movie, but worth a watch as adults. **