Moving Moment

Asher and I watched “Inside Out” the other day. Finally.

He had been putting it off and requesting to watch other things any time I suggested it. But it seems that he’s becoming more open to watching emotional/dramatic shows and movies. So I was THRILLED that this time, when I suggested it, he looked at me wide-eyed and said “YES! I’ve been wanting to see that forever!”

Really? *side eye* Since when kiddo??
Whatever. I’ll let it go this time.

If you have not seen this movie, you should. I was not prepared to be moved (pun intended) as I was. There are many aspects in there to discuss, but I’ll stick to the one that touched me most.

The story starts out about a lovely family and happy daughter with her emotions in her brain being run foremost by “Joy”. They do well in showing the optimism and playfulness of youth. But as you would imagine, things change over time and Sadness, the character, starts to get a little “annoying”. Joy did a good job of trying to keep it together, but eventually lost out. The movie paralleled my own start of sadness taking over… when I first moved.

I always tell people that I moved around a lot growing up. “A lot” is subjective, but it was to me. It may have been the ages that were hard in and of themselves. Moving didn’t help. I moved from Wadena MN to Huron SD in 3rd grade, then Huron to Sioux Falls SD in between 8/9th grades, and on to Bismarck ND the middle of my Junior year of High School. (I’ll stop there because that is technically when my adolescence ended, but I will say that every move I have made in my life, even as an adult, has been impactful in their own ways.)

The thing that hit home about this movie to me was how this girl kept trying to be positive, finding the joy and excitement in the travel and adventure… Until it wasn’t fun anymore. Granted, the plot was that she didn’t have any access to joy or sadness for a period of time, but it was relatable. She was sad but couldn’t show it. She was used to being happy, she was trying to STAY happy, trying not to disappoint people. But she was numb. It all hit so close to home.

I spent the last 30mins or so of the movie in quiet tears. But those little tears turned into sobs by the time she came back home to her parents and said that she’s sorry. She was sorry she’s not their happy little girl anymore… because for the first time, I looked back and recognized that I was a sad child too.

I had anger.
I wanted to run away.
I begged my parents not to move again. Or to let me stay behind.
I cried myself to sleep “knowing” that my old friends would eventually forget about me and that I may never form real friendships at the new place…

Seeing my own pain reflected back at me in cartoon form was unbelievable.
I sat on the couch and I wept, in front of Asher, who was very concerned and unsure how to console me.

I realized that I had not done that before. That every other movie we had watched, if there were tears, they had been happy tears, or at least they turned happy as the plot changed. But he knew this time was different.

He crawled up onto the couch with me and wrapped his arms around me and we watched the rest of the movie in a hug.

We had a good talk about it after the movie. I explained that I had moved a lot and how I had felt that same sadness when I was a little girl. I think he understood. But he definitely wanted to make sure I was happy again. And I was.
I mean, I am.

I realize now that each of those moves, each of those extremely difficult times that I hated, moved me to a new place that I got to experience a new way of life. And each of those moves made way for more moves and more “comfortability” with the idea of moving as an adult.

But understanding that concept as a say 9yr old is pretty difficult. And as you get older you kind of forget about it. The pain isn’t as fresh. But seeing it again, felt like it was yesterday. I thought about the times people had comforted me, times my parents talked about how I would make new friends and have more opportunities, but I wouldn’t hear it. I couldn’t. My life as I knew it was changing. And that really did shape who I am now. For better, or worse.

I got used to the idea of leaving and starting over again. Chasing a dream or searching for the feeling of “home” again… I confess that some of the moves I made as an adult were attempts at running away from myself. Sometimes the idea of moving away from everything that you “hate” sounds like the best answer… So, understandably, there had been moves where I was just as miserable when I arrived as I was in the place I left. But some moves ended up being even better than I imagined. None of them were easy though.

Looking back, I firmly believe that each move had its purpose, no matter the pain and frustration at the time. As cliché as it sounds, each move brought me where I needed to be. Brought me to people I needed to meet. Because ultimately it brought me here. To a state I never thought I would live. To motherhood, which I never thought would happen. To an independence that I never thought possible.

Will I move again? Probably.
Well, I’m actually counting on it!

But now I know how to handle it. And hopefully I can help my little guy learn how to handle it too. I don’t want him to have to move around a lot, like I did, but I also don’t want him to be afraid of new experiences. It’s a tough balance, but at least we’re working on the emotional strength to talk and cry about it if we need to.