I’m putting two warnings on this post. One is for language (my filter is gone today) and another is a TW for gun related threats/violence.
As a middle aged (ack!) white woman raised in the Midwest, I am familiar with guns. My family hunts/hunted, I’ve helped my brother pack shells, and I’ve shot guns for fun, including one time at a family reunion. We are that white. But we are also responsible. We were taught to understand the accountability that comes along with owning guns. I had never once felt threatened or afraid… until I was older.
Many people I know have had this same upbringing, this same philosophy, and many also feel that owning guns is a right they need to fight for. And I get that, but I also don’t think that many have experienced what being threatened with a gun feels like. I really hope they never do.. But there is somehow this disconnect that it could never happen to them. That they are somehow above that because they live in “safe neighborhoods”? Or because they “know guns”..? I really don’t know where this false sense of security comes from. As we can see, there are more and more instances of gun violence in America and its not just isolated to certain locations. It’s spreading like a disease.
And I am one who has been affected by it.
Let me give a little more background about myself and delve into some of the stereotype we hear about and we, as white people, perpetuate.. See, I have lived in some very sketchy places… like had a bolted metal front door and boarded windows kind of sketchy… and in some of those places I’ve lived I had heard gunfire fairly regularly as well.
There was one time, living in Minneapolis, I heard gunshots while my then boyfriend was playing ball at the park down the street… A few moments later he was banging on the front door yelling for help. I opened the door to find his leg dripping in blood from his knee, barely able to stand up. And of course, I screamed! It was not until he stumbled through the doorway did I learn that he was in fact NOT SHOT… He and his buddies all hit the ground/pavement when the shots were fired and he managed to bust his knee up really good…
You would have thought that these times in the “bad neighborhoods” these times in the “inner-city” would have been the scariest for me… but they were not. They surely were stressful and I don’t like to hear gunshots, but it was not scary for me.
Some may fear violence in the city, hear about increased crime and murder rates and maybe you thank your lucky stars that you live in white suburbia.. But what I’ve always known, and what is becoming more apparent lately, is that the real threat is not confined within city limits… it is more often found in white men with fragile egos.
See, my incident did not happen in the city. My incident happened in Bismarck, North Dakota just some random summer night, in a parking lot, right on Main Street. And even writing this, it feels like maybe it was a dream, like maybe my memory is faulty and this never really happened… But it did.. There were others there.. It’s possible that their memory of this night is a bit different, just because of perspective and how that varies.. But ultimately, this night shaped a lot of my feelings and beliefs about guns and angry white men.
To paint a better picture, I feel I need to share a bit about Bismarck at the time.. It was probably about 1995, I had just graduated High School (maybe taking classes at community college) but really the only thing for people that age to do was to go cruising… yes, we did that still… and in fact, many of my high school memories of both SD and ND were of rollerskating or cruising with friends, in this case up and down main street. So when you wanted to meet someone, you flagged them off the road, stopped in a parking lot, talked, and listened to music.. and sometimes people were also drinking… yes I know… but it’s true.
This night, my friend and I met up with some guys who seemed cool enough. We drove around with them for a bit in the back of their truck, but really ended up off-roading, playing chase on some country road (in hindsight I’m glad this story did not take a turn earlier) and finally they brought us back to the parking lot where our cars were. It was getting late and as we stood around the lot and talked more, I realized that the dude who was peacocking for me was intoxicated and his foolishness was increasing (you know what I mean ladies, the hey I’m gonna do these weird things to show you how cool I am, then pretend like you’re not even there to lure you in type shit…) Well, I don’t do well with that type and never really have.. So I’m pretty sure I said some smart ass comment to call him on some bullshit.
Whatever I said, it did not go over well.
The next thing I know he’s standing in front of me, handgun drawn, pointed just about 3 ft away from my chest.
I did the hands up thing and started backing up slowly.
He was babbling about me being “some bitch” and how he’s “all that”, and I honestly don’t even know what he was saying.. I just remember thinking this is NOT how I go. This CANNOT be it. And I just kept backing away.
His friends saw what was going on pretty quickly but kept some space. It could have been that they were just as confused/scared as to what the fuck was going on. They did attempt to come closer to him but he just flailed the gun around periodically making everyone unsure about the situation…
Again, I do not remember exactly what he said, but I’m sure by this point I was pleading with him saying things about the cops being right down the street (which was true because we were right ON MAIN STREET) and probably trying to convince him that I was not worth his time in jail..
Then suddenly the gears shifted and he pulled the gun back, away from me, and pointed it at his own head. I remember his friends were running at him in what looked like slow motion, as this man/boy pulled the trigger…
And nothing happened.
Nothing but screaming and swearing and me and my friend running to our car and crying and speeding off.
This mother fucker’s gun was not loaded.
It feels like it was a scene of a movie. I actually think he played it out like that on purpose. Some need to feel important (maybe), some undiagnosed mental illness (maybe), but you know what it was to me?? This man did not get the response he wanted, from me, so he MADE me give him the attention he thought he deserved. Period.
Most (all?) mass shootings are done by white men. White men who feel that they DESERVE something from people, from society. That somehow their dwarfed emotions and lack of self identity need to be fed by the public since they are not getting their needs met by their family/friends/spouses. But why do we, as society have to pay the price for this lack.
The thing that drives me bonkers is that these are the same people who carry AR-15s to the coffee shops or grocery stores because they CAN. Just to flex some muscle in public to feel better about themselves.. To look like a hero(?) to play some kind of power trip(?) But to me they are all one drink, one bad interaction, away from pulling the trigger. And my nerves cannot tell the difference. No one can.
So put the fuckin thing away already. Because the longer this goes on, the more people get PTSD from gun violence, the more people you are triggering (and I don’t mean in the offhanded “I’m upset” kind of way but actually, physically triggered). I have struggled with hearing random fireworks go off, wondering if they were gunshots, and dealt with open carry when I lived in AZ. Hearing boys play with cap guns in a local park is enough for me to enrage.
Having the right to bear arms does NOT mean you have to/need to bear all of them ever that were made, nor do you need to carry them with you at all times. There is no “real reason” to own an AR-15 except that it is popular. There is no reason to own arsenals of guns really either, except for being driven by consumerism and a lack of self worth. So really this is my plea for men to actually, TRULEY “man up” by taking responsibility for your emotional shortcomings, without the use of fire arms. Please and thank you.
Oh and since we’re on this subject- to the parents who let their little boys play with cap guns at the public park, you can Fuck right off too. For multiple reasons. For one- Your privilege is oozing so far out of your skin I am nauseous from the smell of it. The fact that you allow your white sons to run through a public, crowded park shooting and “killing” each other when we all know full well what happens when brown boys play with toy guns at the park.. And the audacity that you would allow them to do this around other children (and adults) whom you do NOT know, possibly veterans w PTSD, DV survivors or even some with sensory issues… SO MANY REASONS TO FUCK OFF. end rant
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